looking for happiness


I heard this great tidbit of advice the other day, not meant by the speaker to be directed towards me, though perhaps Hashem or the universe had me in mind too. It was in essence this:

Stop trying to be happy and just live your life.

I felt those words unexpectedly dig a deep hole into my heart. I whispered them to myself a few times. They hold a significance to me that I can only try and put into words. One of those deeply personal moments where you think to yourself,  “I cannot believe I didn’t know this sooner in life”. I wonder, really, how I have managed my whole life without stringing those words together in my mind.

There are times in all of our lives when we live by mottos. We can’t force them or create them, instead they seem to come to us in the most unexpected ways, and only, only, when we aren’t looking.  Some of us more than others rely on words, and perhaps others more so on actions, pictures or by other means that are not within the scope of my personal experience. In my core being, every new thing I do, or think, or say or even conceptualize has to start first with a couple of words. This is my motto for the time being, though it likely will be replaced at the next step in my life, and without warning or hardly a notice I’ll be repeating some other words to myself. For example, just a couple of years ago my motto was “take hold of your spirituality.” And so I did! Quite successfully I made an abundance of changes which brought me to an entirely new place as a human being. The motto was very hard for a creature of habit like me to live up to, but it was effective and spurred me on in a direction I really needed. I’ve had many a motto before this one too, and though the words always wither with time, the seeds they plant in me continue to grow.

I haven’t put pen to paper much lately at all. And when I do, it’s rarely, if ever, having to do directly with spirituality. Though I try to be an honest writer and always live in the moments of truthfulness, trying not to fake life for sake of it looking good in print, I do wonder what people who have seen me go through these changes might conclude. The other night I was awakened suddenly with the distinct feeling that it’s entirely possible people might assume that I no longer feel passionately towards my spiritual journey. They might not know how I truly feel about Judaism. I fear you all might conclude from my silence that I am not longer in love with the Oneness of the Universe.

I can’t say much regarding that other than to say that I have ran out of words temporarily. For now I’m living in pictures and feelings. All the words and all the changes and all the experiences have led up to this time of quiet. I’m not fiery right now, I’m watery. I’m calm. I’m in the here and now. Things are settling in and getting real. I’m moving forward slowly, but surely.

In other words, I am not currently looking for happiness, I am just living my life. Right now my life is in the stillness.






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