I want to explain to you the depths of my passion for this journey, my willingness to put all things aside in order to reach my destination. The seriousness with which i searched and the commitment I had to do whatever it took… But, I believe it to be one of those things which a person can only understand when they, at that very moment, are in the exact same place. Even we ourselves cannot fully comprehend this state when we later look back in time.
It was when I heard this song for the first time that I knew what I wanted.
Now I sit here, five years later. Five years older. Another child born. Three more times moved. Less one parent, two cousins, a grandmother, and a friend. In worse financial shape than I can wrap my head around. Tired. Worn out. Confused. Defeated. Betrayed. Angry. So, so angry.
I ask again, where are you? But this time, lacking the belief I will even get an answer. That there is anyone to answer. Knowing it quite possible that there is nothing more than darkness out there. No life beyond this. That nobody at all is listening. Because all of the belief has been beaten out of me. My faith has been sucked dry and replaced by cynicism and resentment. My emuna is lost. My kavanah is gone. And if anything answered me back now, I would probably be far too angry to listen anyhow.
Everything and everyone I love is vanishing around me. Even my dreams no longer bring me comfort. And no matter how much I try to rationalize it and remind myself that bad things just happen–sometimes lots and lots of them all at once–I just don’t know how be okay with that. I want to. But, I can’t.
Yet, I still ask. Because I can still hope, even when I cannot believe.
(I can’t recall how to embed a video and I really just don’t care to figure it out. So click on the link.)